Step-parenting tips for blended families

Becoming the parent of step-children can be complicated. Even with the best of intentions, being a step-dad or step-mum can be a bumpy road at first. Step-parenting might be challenging at times, but with the right approach, you can build successful, healthy relationships.

Give it time

Whatever the nature of your existing relationship with your step-kids, it will take time to connect with them and settle into a comfortable dynamic. Remember that a new parental figure entering the life of a child can feel threatening, confusing and uncomfortable. Don't be disheartened if things are difficult- try and see the situation through their eyes and give them lots of time. 

Slowly build a rapport

You may be in a relationship with their parent, but that doesn't mean your step-kids will accept you from the off or want a parent/ child relationship with you. Aim to respect the way they might be feeling and not overstep boundaries. Instead, look to connect with them on their level and understand who they are and their likes/ dislikes to build rapport over time. 

Don't take it personally

Your stepchild's feelings about their new family set up are likely to be more about their own discomfort and anxieties than anything personal to you. While it's difficult, try to not be offended and remain open to building common ground. 

Step-parent struggles

Sometimes becoming a step-parent can be like walking through a minefield, but being aware of what can be problematic can help:

Avoid trying to replace their biological parent

No matter what the nature of the relationship with their biological parent is, don't look to take their place. Being a steady, respectful and caring presence in their life can create it's own unique relationship that can become important to them. 

Bear in mind that sometimes step-children can feel guilty to their biological parent if they get on well with their step-parent. This is why not trying to take their parent's place is important.

Take a back seat in parenting

Let your partner take the lead with parenting in terms of rules and discipline. Until your relationship with your step-child is well established, trying to take the initiative with telling them off will feel like overstepping boundaries and likely set you back. Instead, support your partner in their parenting.

Feeling left out

Remember also how much your step-child will naturally need their biological parents and that those dynamics have been in place for a long time. Your role will differ from theirs, but you can still build a respectful and loving relationship as time goes on. If you feel left out remember that you are new to this dynamic and that things will evolve over time.

Rejection

It's not uncommon to feel rejected as a step-parent, and you might experience rudeness or disrespect. While it's not pleasant, remember how unsettled your step-child might feel. Look to gently build bridges over time and be patient. 

Blending biological and step-children

Parent with equality and fairness across all the children in your life. Creating a list of family rules together and displaying them somewhere they can be seen can help everyone get on track. Routines can also be useful for creating a harmonious home life- you can create one for before and after school and evenings. Aim to stay diplomatic and talk to your partner if there are differing parenting styles so that you can establish common ground.

Respect

Respect is important for any family, but especially blended ones. As you grow in getting to know each other and establishing a blended family, maintain respect for each other's feelings and boundaries. This goes for your step-children also; their respect of you no matter how they feel about the situation is important.