Anti-bullying Week 2024: What to do if your child is the bully

If your child is the bully

If you've been informed by your child's school that they are bullying others, it can be very upsetting as a parent. 'You might feel horrified,' says Nicola Baldwin, Spurgeons' Parenting Lead. 'It’s hard not to be angry, and your knee jerk reaction may be to shout at them and punish them. However, if you can take a deep breath and be calm before you approach them you can think about how to have an effective conversation.'

'Your child is bullying for a reason,' Nicola explains. 'They may be victims of being bullied themselves - possibly by an older sibling/relative/ in school, by an adult or child. They may have a low self-esteem and be trying to make themselves feel better.'

Aim to put aside your feelings of shock and provide a listening ear to find out what your child needs. You could consider the following:

-Do they need attention?

-Are they feeling excluded?

-Are they bullying others to prevent being bullied themselves?

-Are they joining in with others to be part of a group?

Once you have given your child a chance to talk then you can begin to work on alternatives.

Finding solutions

'Being a safe place by listening, understanding and supporting them to come up with a solution can help because it empowers them and builds their self-esteem when they succeed,' says Nicola.

Some strategies for avoiding bullying could include:

Teaching your child to ask for what they need in an assertive way

Talk about how your child can get in touch with their feelings and what's bothering them, and talk about them with you, rather than lashing out at or disrespecting others. 

Being compassionate and treating others with respect

Ask your child to imagine that they are the one being bullied. How would they feel? How would it impact their confidence? What emotions might they experience? Perhaps they can write a poem or page about what that would be like. 

This can help your child see things from the side of the bullied person, and realise the impact their actions are having. Just as they like to be talked to nicely and respected themselves, others have the same need.

Praise positive action

'Watch out for positive interactions with others and praise your child,' suggests Nicola. 'Also, be a positive role model by using non-aggressive ways of handling conflict.'

You could do this by talking about the anger/frustrations you feel sometimes and how you manage those feelings. Practice dealing with conflict at home, and teach siblings problem-solving skills to avoid arguments. 

Look at the bullying together

Ask what's going on for your child. What happens when these actions occur, who are they with, and what are their feelings before, during and after? Is bullying making them feel better in some way? Discuss how and why together to get to the root of the problem.

'Also, talk about respect and compassion- talk about how that bullied person might be feeling about themselves,' says Nicola. 

Contact the school and ask for their support while your child is practicing new ways of doing things 

'It may be that your child will need to apologise and may need your help to understand why what they have done is so hurtful,' says Nicola. The school might need to address the behaviour of other students - especially if your child has been bullied or is coerced into being one.'

Make a plan  

Make a plan with your child to tackle the bullying together. Aim to involve all the steps above, and keeping in contact with the school to ensure that things improve.