Co-parenting at Christmas

Christmas is a special time for children which traditionally involves the family unit, but if parents are newly separated or divorced, Christmas can bring extra challenges. Co-parenting at Christmas can prove difficult- here's how to make it as smooth and positive as possible for both you and your child.

Agree a plan ahead of time

To avoid a family crisis that could upset children, it is better to agree logistics in advance. Most parents make alternate arrangements, for example Christmas Day with one parent, and Boxing Day with the other, and swap those arrangements for the next year. Some parents will have a court order that dictates when they can see their child, which will need to be adhered to.

Never ask children to choose which parent they want to spend Christmas with as this would undermine their sense of loyalty towards the excluded parent. If you happen to be without your children this year, we’ve put together a list of positive ideas to help you survive the festive season without them.

Put your child first

For separated parents at Christmas, emotions around sharing your child might be running high. However, aim to keep your child's feelings in mind and put them first. They are likely to find Christmas as a separated family tough, particularly if it's a new situation for them.  

Create some new traditions which can pull your focus in a positive direction. Perhaps Christmas Eve is always movie night in pyjamas for you both, or you make cookies in the week before the big day. New traditions can bring excitement and enjoyment to your new normal.

Surround yourself with family and friends

The more the merrier! Try and make plans to spend time with other family members and friends.  They will be a great support to you if you are on your own, particularly if this is your first Christmas as a single parent – people are a great distraction. Don’t worry if you have a down moment, just go with the flow as best you can and remember that you are surrounded by people who care about you.

Don’t feel guilty

This is a hard one but don’t beat yourself up if your children end up going between you and your ex on Christmas day.  It may be that due to logistical issues the children have to miss out seeing one parent altogether. You may be tempted to try and sell it to them that they will have two Christmases, and this may work to some degree, but don’t be surprised if you don’t get the positive response that you’d hoped for. 

They may be confused about how that would work. If you have an amicable relationship with your ex, then all get together and plan the day in advance to suit everyone.  Reassure them (and you), that it will still be a special day and that they won’t miss out.  You can’t change what has happened so let the guilt go and plan positively.

Working together

If you can, it’s important that you work with your co-parent on Christmas- everything from attending school plays and events, to what you do on the big day- don’t leave the children guessing, as it will only breed insecurities.

Don’t compete with each other for the biggest and best presents – that’s not going to work for the children or your bank balance.  If you have an amicable relationship compile a Christmas list between you, then divide and conquer – there’s nothing worse for the kids than getting duplicate presents. The best thing that you can give them is your time, reassurance and love – with some careful planning you can make it enjoyable for everyone.

Charity work

If you can’t be with your children at Christmas and won't be with family, then why not keep yourself occupied with some charity work? The benefit of volunteering on Christmas Day will be the rewarding feeling you receive from helping others.

Look out for opportunities at local churches or soup kitchens. There is nothing like helping those less fortunate than yourself to build self-esteem and make you feel better about your own circumstances. Local authorities usually have a volunteering hub on their website to highlight openings in your local area, and there are many national campaigns and schemes set up specifically for Christmas.