How to deal with challenging behaviour

Challenging behaviour can be stressful for parents to manage. It is hard not to take it personally or become angry, and feel disrespected and unappreciated - children certainly know how to press our buttons! It's not just toddler behaviour issues that can drive parents crazy either- teenagers can be just as explosive. We consulted our resident parenting expert, Nicola Baldwin, for advice on how to deal with challenging behaviour. 

I need help with my child's behaviour!

'The first thing to do is to give yourself time and space,' says Nicola. 'Look after yourself so that you have the energy to be able to tackle the behaviour. Practice calming techniques so that you can remain calm when your child is difficult.'

Just as airline safety dictates that parents must put on their oxygen mask before attending to their child, you need to take care of your own wellbeing. Parenting is hard work and you both need and deserve moments to unwind and check in with yourself. 

Try our box breathing exercise for instant relaxation. 

Getting to the root of the problem 

'Consider why this behaviour is happening and use a diary to record when it happens (time of day, lunchtime, bedtime etc) and where it happens (home, shop, school),' advises Nicola. 'Note things happening in the lead-up to the incident. Who else is involved? What did they say/do? Did anything cause this reaction from your child? Is there a way you would like to encourage your child to express their emotions instead? What behaviour would you like to see/hear in the future?'

While noting what causes the behaviour issues, look for patterns or repeating triggers. For example, is your child being difficult when they are hungry/ thirsty or tired? Are they reacting to something their sibling does? Is your child wanting attention?

Try to hone in on what's causing the problems. 

Planning to tackle behaviour issues

With knowledge in mind of what seems to trigger the behavioural incidents, make a plan. Knowing the triggers, what is your child trying to communicate with their behaviour? Might it be frustration, upset or anxiety? Chat the situation through with your child- what causes them to get upset, and what could make the situation more manageable. You can even act out this new strategy so that they remember it before coming up against an emotionally charged situation again. If next time doesn't go so well even with the plan, tweak it slightly and try again. Sometimes ingrained behaviours can take time to change. 

Responding to incidents 

'During an incident respond by going to your child, getting down on their level and acknowledging what has happened,' says Nicola. 'If they tell you their perspective, accept things from their point of view, then calmly remind them what they can do/say and support them to do this.' 

If they display challenging behaviour then support them to calm down- try making a self-soothe box. Afterwards, you can talk about what happened and give a reasonable consequence which you can stick to. 'Apply this consequence consistently and start again the next day until they realise it is better to do what you have agreed to instead of the challenging behaviour,' says Nicola. 'Remember to praise each positive step!'

Avoiding incidents in the future

You can create a framework for better behaviour going forward with the above strategies, and ensuring your child feels supported. Ask your child if they feel confident that you will support them. Make sure you listen and don't rush to judge when they are upset about something, even if you disagree.

Aim to get siblings to work together, too- for example, if one sibling says 'stop', the other will listen. Ask siblings to help out together, as well- ask them to lay the table for dinner, or help with making the food. 

Aim, also, to look out for cues that your child needs downtime or is overstimulated. Perhaps they've had too long on the PlayStation or would benefit from spending some quiet time alone on an activity for a while. Calm time is great for overall de-escalation. 

Consequences

Make sure your child knows that there will be consequences for their actions. If they shout you will ignore them until their voice lowers, or if they are hitting someone then they need to have a time out and a consequence of having no sweets. Rudeness must also be met with a consequence otherwise the behaviour will continue. 

Toddler aggression- when to worry

Toddlers can be particularly tricky to deal with, as they haven't yet learnt to cope with difficult feelings. Emotions and thoughts can overwhelm them, and they won't yet understand why. However, this doesn't mean that you needn't stop a toddler from hitting. Encourage them instead to use less destructive ways to express themselves- perhaps by jumping up and down, squashing a pillow or ripping some paper. 

Distracting them with an activity can also work, as can having time out to calm down. You can also explain to your child that you understand why they feel frustrated, but they must use 'kind hands' and not hit. 

If these techniques don't work and your toddler is still hurting others or themselves, you may wish to consult your GP.