How to deal with violent and aggressive behaviour from your teenager

Coping with aggression or violence from your child or teen can be very hard. Aggressive teenagers can be scary to be around, and if your child hits you it can be upsetting. 

Violence in teens

Children and young people can become aggressive or violent due to:

• feeling overwhelmed
• going through stress
• dysregulated feelings
• difficulty expressing themselves
• feeling that life is out of control.

Violent outbursts might include hitting, throwing things, or kicking.

Sometimes aggressive episodes can be due to an argument or stress building up- there are tips below to help with deescalating those situations. 

How to handle an angry, aggressive child

In the moment, aim to take yourself out of danger. Remove yourself from the room and take any dangerous objects with you. If you have other children in the home move them away also. 

If you are worried about what may happen, stay close but out of harm's way- e.g. the other side of their door. Avoid making physical contact with them until they have calmed down. If the aggression isn't calming, ask for the support of someone- a relative, perhaps, or in extreme cases, the police. 

Anger management for teens

When your young person is upset and angry, you can help them relax by trying some of the following steps:

• Stay calm yourself. Avoid raising your voice. 
• Ask them how you can help or what they need right now.
• Point out that someone could get hurt.
• Suggest that you talk about what's upsetting them.

When your child has stopped being aggressive, you can start talking to them. Avoid dismissing what they were feeling, and listen to what they're saying. At an appropriate point, talk about how violence is never a good response to feeling upset. 

If your child doesn't want to talk yet, give them time to calm down. They might want a hug or for you to sit with them a while, or they may want to be left alone. Either way, ask for them to tell you how you can support them when they feel angry or aggressive in the future. 

If the violent behaviour becomes a pattern, make a plan of how to stay safe and who to call for support. If things become dangerous, call the police. 

'I can't cope with my child anymore'

If you are feeling like your child is out of control, try not to blame yourself. Parenting is difficult and a number of elements might be affecting your child and causing them to act this way. 

We offer support to families and parents through our family support service. Our parent support workers can give advice and strategies to help you deal with difficult parenting situations. The support you will receive is tailored to your family's needs, and can help you face parenting challenges with confidence. 

How to avoid aggression and violence in the future

Aim to notice when your child's emotions are escalating in the future and help them regulate before they lose control. 

One way you can help them do this is by teaching them to use self-soothing methods. Our box-breathing meditation and finger breathing exercise are great ways to calm down, and having a self-soothe box in their room can help them too. 

Alternatively, you can agree between you to have a time out when things are getting heated- this could simply mean your teenager going to a different room and calming down before you talk again after a break. 

You can also make some rules for everyone in the family, and get your young person involved in making them, so they feel involved. You might include 'we use strategies to calm down when we are stressed' or 'we take a time out when we are angry'. 

You could also discuss how you personally deal with feeling angry or overwhelmed with them, to encourage them to explore their own ways to calm. 

If the violence continues

If calming techniques aren't working, you could try speaking to your GP or to our parent support service for advice.

In cases where violence has become a regular occurrence and you are being assaulted, you might be experiencing child to parent abuse. Find out more here.