What can you do when your child is refusing to go to school?

Being worried about something at school is normal- friendships and studies can prove tough. However, when stress about school builds up to the point of feeling the need to avoid it completely, it can be difficult to know what to do. 

Why is my child refusing to go to school?

Young people can find school hard for a variety of reasons. These might include:

• bullying
• difficulties fitting in
• finding schoolwork challenging
• struggling with certain teachers
• general anxiety
• difficulties outside of school, such as a loss or bereavement
• additional needs or mental health.

What are the signs that my child is feeling anxious about school?

It can be tricky for young people to articulate how they're feeling. Some of the signs that your child may be struggling might include:

• saying they don't want to go
• experiencing tummy aches, nausea, or headaches
• poor sleep
• being angry or emotional, or quiet and upset
• being abnormally anxious about small things.

Getting to the root of the problem

When your child's school life is so separate from life at home it's not always easy to figure out the cause of their strong feelings. 

One way to approach this is by making a spider diagram. Using coloured pens and a sheet of paper, start by writing SCHOOL in the middle, and encourage your child or teen to draw legs coming off of it for each of the things that they find difficult. Ask them to get specific and include even the 'small' things, like the lunch hall, or noise. 

Next steps

Approach the school and ask to discuss the reasons for your child's school refusal. Their class teacher or form tutor should be involved, as well as the school's SENCO. The school should work together with you to find solutions and ways to ease your child's struggles. Agree upon a time frame- perhaps a month- to see if the plan has helped, and if not, revisit strategies with them to help your child. 

Things to try at home

Here are some things you can implement at home to help your child feel calmer:

• Find ways that enable your child to relax. Try out different strategies, such as snuggling in a cosy blanket, cuddling a favourite toy, or making a self-soothe box- check out our guide here.
• Help them have fun and destress outside of school. Suggest they try new hobbies, new clubs or pursuits, and meet up with friends.
• Create a clear morning routine. This can help children feel reassured that they know what is coming next and clear about what is expected of them. For younger children you could use pictures of uniform/ their toothbrush etc to illustrate what they need to do. Older children could simply use a list. 
• Praise the little wins. If they managed to achieve things like getting up on time, congratulate them on a job well done. 
• Take it easy. Aim to make days calm and relaxed, and try to keep the pressure off. 

The UK law on school refusal

If your child isn't attending school you may be concerned about getting into trouble of being fined. Fines have been in the news recently as the rates have gone up. To find out more about the law on not attending school and the steps that authorities can take, click here. 

Spurgeons' counselling can help

We offer counselling services to young people who are experiencing difficulties and mental health concerns. 

One of our counsellors, Elizabeth Cochrane, shares Sam's story and how she helped him feel happier about attending school:

'Sam* is 6 years old. He was really struggling with going in to school and had a hard time leaving his mum. We worked together over 14 weeks, doing lots of creative activities and exploring how he saw school. The activities including colouring and air dry clay which aided the open conversations about his emotions. We made cards around the structure of his day to aid the external environment and giving his worries shapes and colours was a gentle way to explore his internal feelings.

Week by week Sam started to open up about his worries and
he would give little nuggets of information that helped me understand his world, things that as an adult we could naturally dismiss; like what was in his lunch box or thinking about what family members were doing at home whilst he was at school. 

There was one session in particular where a big worry came to the surface; Sam shared with me that at playtimes he was concerned about getting knocked over and wasn’t sure who to go to if he got hurt as, naturally, this would be Mum but Mum wasn’t there. We went 
to talk to his teacher and who reassured him about what would happen and the steps they would take if he did get hurt, this helped him feel confident and sure of himself in school. Our time together did not last much longer after this as Sam had found a new confidence 
and felt safe and secure in school.'

Find out more about our counselling services by clicking here.

*name changed to protect anonymity.