How to help someone in an abusive relationship

Offer them a listening ear

When they are away from their partner and in a safe place, aim to start a conversation gently, by asking something like, 'How are you, is everything ok?'. Provide space for them to share what they feel comfortable with, and trust what they say as being true. 

Avoid judgement

It might be hard to understand why they are still in the abusive relationship, but try to put judgement to one side and avoid voicing it. It can be extremely difficult to find the courage to walk away. 

Support them

Tell them you are there for them whenever they want to talk and will always try to help however you can. Reassure them that they are not alone. 

Tell them it's not their fault

It can be common for those in an abusive relationship to feel like they deserve the abuse or have caused it in some way. It's important for them to hear that abuse is never excusable and not their fault. 

Give them time

Coming to terms with abuse and being able to share the truth with others can take a long time and be hard. Try to be patient. Don't push to find out details or push them to do something about it before they are ready as this could cause a rupture to your relationship with them, and ultimately leave them more vulnerable. 

Help them keep in contact

Abusers often try to isolate their partner from friends and family. Make every effort to stay in contact with them and encourage them to keep in contact with others, too. Strong support networks can be a protective factor for those in an abusive relationship.

Avoid bad-mouthing their partner 

As tempting as it is to criticise their partner, try to avoid this. They may not be ready to accept the criticism and this may lead to them stopping talking about the abuse with you. 

Build them up

Someone in an abusive relationship is likely to be struggling with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Focus on their strengths and and praise them for being brave enough for talking about it with you.

Don't criticise them for not leaving 

Leaving an abusive partner takes a lot of courage. Denial and shame may also play a part and stop them leaving. They may also still love their abuser. It can sometimes take numerous attempts to leave an abusive partner for good. It's important for them to know you're still there for them, even if they return to the relationship.

Talk to them about how to stay safe

Suggest a code word that only the two of you know so that they can signal to you if they are in danger. You can also help by keeping a list of events, as well as texts and emails in case they are needed later. 

If you fear for your friend's safety, call 999. Alternatively, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for advice on 0808 2000 247.