Children can find controlling their emotions difficult. This is due to a number of factors, including immaturity in the brain and not knowing how to regulate their emotions yet. Understanding how children's brains work and what helps anger management for kids is important.
Why is my child so angry?
Unlike adults, children's brains haven't fully developed. When a child is distressed, the amygdala- the part of the brain that perceives threat- is alerted, and a fight/ flight mode begins. The pre-frontal cortex- the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and rational thinking- is not yet developed. Their brain isn't fully developed in fact until they are in their early 20s, which is why teenagers can also struggle with angry responses.
The causes of anger in children
Feelings of anger don't always stem from an immediate cause, for example being hit by another child. Various issues can build up and cause angry feelings and behaviour. These might include:
- friendship issues
- bullying
- school work
- exams
- hormone changes
- events at home, e.g. parental separation
- bereavement
- upsetting events.
It might not be apparent to you or your child what exactly is causing their anger. You can help them by talking about their feelings and what is causing them stress. If there are practical steps you can help them take to lower the stress then you could make a plan together, or speak to their school for support if appropriate.
Anger management techniques for children
Encourage self-expression
Being creative can help your child manage their feelings. Some children might enjoy drawing how their anger feels- perhaps it is like an angry volcano, or a red, furious face. Older children may benefit from regularly writing about their feelings and thoughts in a journal or notebook. Sometimes expressing a feeling can really help to diffuse it.
Look for the warning signs of anger
Ask your child to think about how they feel when they're getting angry- do they feel hot, perhaps, or clench their teeth? Ask them to note down what they experience as a reference for the future- if they can identify that their feelings are escalating they may be able to calm them down better.
Educate them on emotions
Being self-aware of their emotions and naming them can be useful in the everyday management of feelings. You can model this by acknowledging how you think they're feeling, for example 'you seemed very annoyed when Holly took your cupcake. Is that right?'. This helps put a name to feelings and encourages them to consider what emotions they are experiencing.
Over time, this can help children to be more in touch with their emotions and manage them better.
No feelings are 'wrong'
It's important to teach your child that no feelings are 'wrong'. Anger is a normal emotion like all others, and is a healthy response to difficult situations. The key is to acknowledge the anger and use healthy coping techniques to manage every day emotions and strategies to calm down.
How to calm a child down when angry
The following are techniques that your child can use when they are feeling angry in the moment:
- Deep breathing exercises. These are great for regulating the nervous system and removing the fight/ flight feelings. Try our finger breathing follow-along video to help your child find calm.
- The '5 things' activity. Ask your child to sit down and identify 5 things they can see, 4 things they can feel (and touch them), 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell and 1 thing they can taste.
- Soothing movements and hugs. Either hug your child, or if they prefer, they could hug a teddy bear. Your child can then be rocked back and forth by you, or on their own. This soothing movement helps calm the nervous system.
- Stretches. Ask them to stretch out the muscles in their hands, legs, feet and toes.
- Read more great tips for helping your child calm down here.
How to deal with an aggressive child
Find out how to deal with aggressive and violent behaviour here.
