Tantrums, aggressive behaviour and outpourings of distress are commonplace in children and can be difficult for parents to deal with (to say the least!).
Unfortunately, tantrums and outbursts are not exclusive to the toddler years. Older children and teenagers can still find their emotions so overwhelming they quickly feel out of control - and their behaviour is equally as challenging to us as parents.
Therefore, using de-escalation can benefit the whole family and ease the stress of every day family life.
What is de-escalation?
When a situation is frustrating your child and they’re on their way to losing it, de-escalation strategies can help calm the situation down.
Children’s brains are different
Young people’s brains are still developing. The parts that manage reasoning and rational thinking are still not fully formed. Therefore, when faced with a situation they don’t like, or hearing the word ‘no’, they can start to lose control. That feeling of being out of control can be unnerving or even frightening for them. Therefore, finding ways to return to calm your child down is as important for them as it is for you.
Nicola Baldwin, parent support worker at Spurgeons, says: 'During a meltdown the child doesn’t feel safe. They are completely lost and not in control. They need their parent to be their anchor.'
How to calm a child down using de-escalation:
Know your child’s triggers
It’s not always possible as things can escalate quickly, but if possible, aim to take action when you notice them spiralling. It might appear as if it has come out of the blue, but for autistic children in particular, their baseline may already be a state of hyper arousal so it doesn’t take much to tip them over the edge. Physical signs that a meltdown is approaching might include rocking, clenching their fists or jaw, or looking as if they are about to bolt.
Keeping a diary of meltdowns can be a helpful way to spot patterns in the future.
Create a calm space
Make a calm space in advance and your child can use it whenever they want to feel relaxed and safe. This might be a tent, a corner of their bedroom or an area in the garden. Use pillows, blankets, cuddly toys and cushions to make it cosy. Wrapping a favourite blanket around their shoulders can be incredibly calming. They might want to listen to music that makes them feel happy, or look at their favourite objects and photos in a self-soothe box- check out this easy guide on how to put one together.
Distraction
At home and at school make sure your child and those around them know what helps them to manage their overwhelming feelings. Where is their safe place they can go to? What calms them down? Is it drawing, playdough or moving around? Do they have a special interest you can help them to focus on such as Pokemon cards?
Ask for a time out
If things are getting heated, gently but firmly announce ‘time out’ and ask them to sit quietly for a few minutes to take deep breaths and calm down. When they’ve regulated their emotions, you can discuss the issue together calmly.
Sit with them until they feel better
Even if you’re angry at them, put that to one side until they’ve returned to a calm state before addressing it. If you lost your temper, don’t beat yourself up but do apologise. You could simply say 'I’m sorry I shouted, can we start again?'
Ask how they feel
Some children respond well to picking from emojis to show the emotions they’re experiencing, or drawing a picture. Teenagers might prefer to write out their feelings in a journal.
Try grounding techniques
‘Grounding’ is returning to your normal self, and when we are distressed it can be hard to get there. Grounding techniques include deep breathing- try this box breathing animation with them. Role model this with your child and you will feel the benefits too.
Support for you
Managing challenging behaviour is hard on parents, especially when faced with hurtful comments and judgements from those who don’t understand. Sharing your experiences with professionals and other parents who get it, can be really helpful. We offer a range of free courses for parents many of which run online. Find out more here https://spurgeons.org/resources-and-courses/courses/
