Helping children with grief requires open, honest communication and emotional support. We asked our Counselling Manager, Nadine Owen, for advice and tips for parents:
Use the correct terminology
Using phrases such as 'gone to a better place' can cause confusion for children. 'If somebody has passed away you must use the correct terminology,' says Nadine. 'You need to use the word "died", so there is no confusion. Otherwise, they don't quite understand. Even if they're 5 years old and don't know what 'dying' means, you can explain to them. It's better in the long run.'
Using the wrong terminology can also create suicide ideation in young people. As a result of it they can think things like 'I want to be with grandma/ I want to be with my dad.'
Recognise the symptoms of grief
The symptoms of grief in children can include:
- sadness
- crying
- loneliness
- confusion
- numbness
- guilt for being happy sometimes.
Their feelings are likely to come and go and change.
Understand how grief shows up in a child's behaviour
'They might act clingy, and may want to sleep in your bed- if they're needing that closeness then that's ok,' advises Nadine. They might also be more sensitive or digress to acting younger. Alternatively, they may want to be alone.
'They might struggle to concentrate at school if they are grieving. They will likely need more support from adults, too.'
Tell them it's ok to be happy sometimes
Even after a loss, it's normal to not be sad constantly, and even feel happy. However, this can cause guilt and confusion. 'Tell them that's it's ok to be happy,' says Nadine.
Keep routines
Routines provide safety and healthy boundaries for children. When something like a major loss occurs, those routines are more important than ever. Keep day to day life and routines for bedtime etc as usual. This can be comforting during a difficult time.
Validate their emotions
As parent you may want to fix or take away your child's feelings of grief. However, validating their emotions is important. When talking about how they feel, use language like 'I know, it's really sad', or 'It's a very difficult time, isn't it?'.
Allow children to feel their grief and go through the grieving process- it's important for their emotional development and for coming to terms with their loss.
Avoid counselling for the first 6 months
'Grieving isn't a mental health disorder, it's a normal reaction,' says Nadine. 'They need to feel those emotions and a counsellor can't do anything really to help in that moment. If after 6 months they're still struggling with grief they could see a counsellor.'
The signs of potentially needing counselling include:
-finding every day life difficult
-worrying more than usual
-seeming to be sad a lot of the time
-talking about not wanting to 'be here anymore'
-self-harm.
Validate their emotions
As parent you may want to fix or take away your child's feelings of grief. However, validating their emotions is important. When talking about how they feel, use language like 'I know, it's really sad', or 'It's a very difficult time, isn't it?'.
Allow children to feel their grief and go through the grieving process- it's important for their emotional development and for coming to terms with their loss.
Avoid counselling for the first 6 months
'Grieving isn't a mental health disorder, it's a normal reaction,' says Nadine. 'They need to feel those emotions and a counsellor can't do anything really to help in that moment. If after 6 months they're still struggling with grief they could see a counsellor.'
The signs of potentially needing counselling include:
- finding every day life difficult
- worrying more than usual
- seeming to be sad a lot of the time
- talking about not wanting to 'be here anymore'
- self-harm.
Find out more about our counselling service here.
Answer their questions
Death can be difficult to get your head around as a child. They may ask a lot of questions about what's happened. Answer their questions as honestly and age-appropriately as you can. If you can't answer one of their questions, simply say 'I don't know.'
Encourage them to find ways to relax
Grief is difficult and can be stressful. Help your child find calm through activities that they enjoy, being with friends, or through some of our free mental health resources. Help them make a self-soothe box, manage their intrusive thoughts, or try one of our relaxing breathing videos.
Recognise that grief doesn't only result from death
'Grief for children can include parents separating, moving house or school, or if there is major illness in the family,' explains Nadine. 'It can have the same symptoms and show up exactly the same.'
