When a relationship breaks down with children involved, it can be difficult to keep your emotions about the split separate from your children.
‘If parents are arguing in front of the kids then they feel stuck in the middle,’ says Debbie Pattison, Clinical Lead at Spurgeons. ‘Kids can feel that they have to take sides. If they’re living with mum they can feel they have to be loyal to her, and then can't show any empathy to dad.
'The transition from one parent’s house to another is difficult because they can feel a lot of guilt. Mum may want to know what the child has done at dad’s, for example, but they daren’t say they’ve had a good time. It can really split a child with loyalty and feeling they need to choose.’
How does divorce effect children?
Separation and divorce is a major life event for the children involved, but sometimes necessary for the wellbeing and happiness of the parents.
‘For a child it’s a form of grief- to them it’s the loss of their old life and their complete family.’ says Debbie. ‘Parents need to sometimes step back and see it from the child’s point of view. To a child a split is massive- the world they knew has been ripped apart. They can also feel responsible and guilty, wondering if it was because of them and if they did something wrong.’
Overall, says Debbie, the more the parents can have an amicable split, the less negative effect on the children. One approach to this is a child-centered divorce.
What is a child-centered divorce?
Splitting parents can often be overwhelmed with stress and anxiety over the impending separation. This can cause mum and dad to unintentionally focus on their own struggles, rather than the wellbeing of the children involved.
Thankfully, parents tend to agree on one thing- that they love their children. A child-centered divorce helps both parents focus on the best interests of the children, and shields them from the anxiety and trauma of their parents separating.
How to have a child-centered divorce
Avoid court
This is the most important factor. Commit with your ex from the start of your split to avoid a nasty court battle. The entire structure of the court system determines one parent the ‘winner’ and one the ‘loser’. The ‘loser’ is likely to fight to change the outcome of the court’s decision, delaying peace between the parents for years to come, eating up their finances and causing major stress.
Research shows that parental conflict is the most damaging aspect of divorce for children, with court being the most serious part of the process. Mediation or an amicable arrangement is much less harmful.
Focus on a positive future
Breakups can breed resentments and bitterness. One way to sidestep those negative feelings is to consider instead what you want your future to look like for you and your children. In the future, would you wish your children to feel that you shielded them from the misery of the divorce? Would you like them to have felt loved by both parents?
Considering this for your children can help you stay on track with putting their needs first amid the misery of the split.
Build deeper bonds with your children
With their parents breaking up, children caught in the middle will be feeling anxious and uncertain of the future. A great way to counteract the effects of a divorce is to spend quality time with them, talking to them and listening to their feelings. Let things go a little if they are acting out more- it’s likely that they are emotional and struggling. Maintain routines and boundaries, however, as children respond positively to structure.
Approach conversations with your kids sensitively
Whatever you may be struggling with about your breakup- perhaps there was an affair, for example- avoid going into detail about it with your child. ‘I’ve heard many times of parents oversharing with the child- it’s best to step back, and not badmouth the other parent to them,’ advises Debbie. ‘Just really try and see it through their eyes. If the child feels they have to choose between you then it will give them guilt and shame.’
Ask how they feel and have open discussions about the changes- for example if a new partner is moving in then conversations and reassurance is important. ‘If you can keep talking to them and reassuring them it really helps- and they really need to keep hearing that you love them,’ adds Debbie.
