Donate
Menu

Self-harm: a guide for parents

What is self-harm?

Self-harm is when someone hurts themselves as a way of coping with painful feelings, upsetting memories or difficult situations/experiences.

Some people have described self harm as a way to:

  • seek comfort
  • express troubling feelings
  • turn invisible thoughts or feelings into something visible
  • change emotional pain into physical pain
  • reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts
  • feel in control
  • escape traumatic memories
  • punish themselves for their feelings and experiences
  • make a reason to care for themselves physically
  • express suicidal feelings and thoughts without attempting suicide.

Many self-harmers feel a sense of release after harming, but the cause of suffering is unchanged. Self-harming can also create upsetting emotions and make you feel ashamed. 

It is important to know that self-harm does carry risks. Once you have started to depend on self-harm as a coping strategy, it can be difficult to stop.

Common questions about self-harm:

How common is self-harm?

Self-harm affects people of all ages and backgrounds. There is not a typical person who hurts themselves, although research shows that neurodivergent individuals are more likely to self-harm.

1 in 14 people in the UK self-harm. Actual numbers of young people self-harming are unknown, as many aim to keep it a secret. It has been estimated that nearly a quarter of 14 year olds have self-harmed, but the actual number is unknown. 

The average age that self-harm begins is 12. This may be due to the change from primary to secondary school and the start of puberty. 

Self-harm doesn't happen to any particular person, it can't be foreseen and unfortunately, we don't know how many people are self-harming.  

Why do young people self-harm?

There are no fixed rules about why people self-harm. It can be different for everyone. 

For some people, self-harm is connected to specific experiences and is a way of dealing with something that's either happening in the moment or happened in the past. For others, the reasons behind the urge to harm themselves are unclear or hard to understand. It's entirely possible to not know why you harm yourself. 

Negative experiences can cause self-harm. Examples of these could include:

  • difficulties at school or in the workplace
  • being bullied
  • abuse
  • grief
  • experiencing discrimination
  • the end of a relationship
  • family problems
  • illness
  • poor self-confidence
  • school stress
  • feeling overwhelmed
  • feeling isolated or lonely
  • being overstimulated.

Some young people self-harm particular areas of their body that are linked to an earlier trauma. 

Some adolescents find that certain actions, such as drinking alcohol or taking drugs, increase the likelihood of self-harm, or that self-harm is more likely to happen at certain times (at night, for example).

What are the signs that someone is self-harming?

There are a number of methods of self-harm. Some people rely on the same one constantly, and others use different ways. 

Ways people self-harm can include:

  • cutting yourself
  • poisoning yourself
  • over-eating or under-eating
  • exercising excessively
  • biting yourself
  • picking or scratching at your skin
  • burning your skin
  • inserting objects into your body
  • hitting yourself or walls
  • abusing alcohol, prescription and recreational drugs
  • pulling your hair
  • having unsafe sex
  • head banging
  • getting into fights and risking being hurt. 

If your child self-harms, it is important to look after their injuries and keep a stock of first aid supplies- e.g. wound cleaning wipes, antiseptic cream, plasters and dressings. If you're concerned about an injury, seek advice from your GP, 111, or go to A&E.

How can I help myself or my child?

During intense urges to hurt yourself, it can be hard to imagine that it's possible to do anything else. However, there are steps you can take that will reduce the risk of self-harming over time. 

Understanding your patterns of self-harm 

Recognising your triggers for self-harm can help you to work out what gives you the urge, and notice when the urge begins. Even if you're unable to resist harming yourself, it is useful to think through afterwards what happened. This helps you to understand the self-harm process you go through and find other coping methods. 

Try breaking down the experience as follows: 

  • Aim to pinpoint the triggers by asking yourself/ your child some questions: What were you thinking about before it happened? What was happening when the urge to self-harm arrived? How did you feel?
  • Aim to be aware of the urge to self-harm. What does it feel like? What emotions do you experience? What sensations do you notice in your body?

The more aware you can become of what's happening for you when you want to hurt yourself, the more you can understand the triggers and begin to find other coping mechanisms. 

Online resources to help and support you or your child:

Tips for children and teens

Identify distractions

Distracting yourself from the impulse to self-harm is a way of giving yourself more breathing space and reduces the urge.

You can begin this as soon as you feel the impulse, or when you are hurting yourself.

Try out some different techniques and see what works for you. 

If you're feeling anger and frustration, here are some distractions you could try:
  • exercise
  • shout and dance
  • shake
  • tear something up into hundreds of pieces
  • go for a run. 

Expressing your anger physically, or by doing things like shouting, won't work for everyone and could intensify feelings. Test out some techniques and see what helps. 

If you're feeling sad or fearful, here are some distractions you could try:
  • wrap a blanket around you
  • spend time with an animal
  • walk in nature
  • let yourself cry or sleep
  • listen to soothing music
  • tell someone how you feel
  • try taking deep breaths in, holding for a moment and then letting your breath go slowly. Repeat continually until you feel more calm. This is also helpful for when you're feeling angry. 
If everything feels out of control, try some of the following:
  • write lists
  • tidy up
  • write a letter saying everything you are feeling, then tear it up 
  • weed the garden. 
If you feel ashamed, try these ideas:
  • look at who you spend time with, and consider whether they make you feel good or bad
  • think about how making mistakes is part of being human, and how everyone makes mistakes sometimes 
  • consider all the ways in which you are a good person, and the positives about you/ what makes you special or unique. 
If you're experiencing self-hatred and want to punish yourself, try these options:
  • Have a go at expressing your feelings about yourself through drawing, making up a song, or writing. Don't worry about it being good!
  • Do some exercise. Go for a run, a walk in a pretty place, a swim or try a dance workout via YouTube. This can be great for releasing frustration and getting positive feelings flowing. 
  • Keep a notebook and write down daily reasons why you're a good, important, special person. You can list anything from the big achievements to little every day things. 

Lastly, try delaying self-harm when the impulse arrives. Don't beat yourself up if you can't wait, just see if you can wait out the urge a little. 

Tips for parents and carers:

How to help a child who self-harms 

If you suspect your child is self-harming it can feel impossible to know what to do or say at first. You might feel panicked or alarmed. This is normal, as are feelings of helplessness or despair.  

Try not to panic or overreact. It’s vital to respond in a supportive, helpful way to your family member in order for things to get better.  

While self-harm can look shocking or make you feel upset, remember that it’s their way of coping with very difficult experiences and emotions.  

What can I do to help? 

While you may feel helpless there are a number of ways that your support can make a major difference to a child/ teen who self-harms. Here are some ways you can be there for them: 

  • Avoid judging them, or using judging language.  

  • Express that you are there for them to talk to be or be with whenever they need you.  

  • Aim to understand what they are going through. 

  • Don’t forcibly stop them from self-harming. This can cause animosity between you.  

  • Suggest you help them get support. 

  • Talk to them about what they mean to you, and all the positive things about them. 

What should I avoid doing? 

Even if you have positive intentions, sometimes certain attempts to support a self-harmer are best avoided. These include: 

  • Forcing them to change their behaviour- e.g. hiding anything they might self-harm with, or threatening them. 

  • Ignoring what’s happening, or focussing too much on their self-harm and injuries. 

  • Classing them as an attention seeker.  

  • Self-harm isn’t usually about attention seeking, however sometimes it can be a way of expressing they need support. Remember that there is nothing bad about needing attention or help, and that the person who needs it is in distress.  

Look after yourself, too 

Being there for someone who self-harms can be difficult and upsetting. Taking good care of yourself is just as important as supporting someone else.  

Be aware of your boundaries- if someone is asking for too much from you, it’s ok to take a step back. It’s also a good idea to speak to a professional if you find yourself struggling.  

What should I do if I’m worried about my child's self-harm? 

It’s normal to be concerned that a self-harmer may hurt themselves seriously, or even end their life. Often people who self-harm have no intention of attempting suicide, and instead they use self-harm as a coping mechanism or a way of finding comfort.  

It can help to have an open discussion about how they can stay safe, and how they are feeling. It can be useful to create a safety plan (LINK TO THIS) which maps out strategies to ease the urge to self-harm, distraction techniques and who to call for help.  

If your child hasn’t been seen by a health professional yet about their mental health, you can consult your GP. 

Where can I get further advice and support? 

Home - Harmless 

The Mix - Essential support for under 25s 

LifeSIGNS – the user-led self-injury small charity 

The NSHN Forum 

Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen 

YoungMinds | Mental Health Charity For Children And Young People | YoungMinds 

Counselling support

Concerned about your child's mental health? At Spurgeons our counselling service provide individual counselling for children and young people, offering a safe, confidential and non-judgmental environment so your child can build a trusting relationship with a qualified professional. 

Access counselling